Wicked Little Town
by Kosetsuno Tenshi
Summary: Harry and Snape are sent to look for the Crux de la Vida Cross of Life in Santa Barbara, CA. Complete, oneshot. Includes a crazy priest always fun


AN: This was written for a challenge. It's a one-shot, kinda stupid, but fun. Plus, I have a crazy priest in here. What's funnier than that? I'm not making fun of priests, but I had to have one crazy person in here.

Disclaimer: Me no own. Well...I will claim the priest, but that's it. And Alexis Baird. They are both original and yes I know they are in Cali...but deal with it. I know that area well, so the research was done. So I don't own. You sue me...I'm broke...so no money. Too bad so sad (for everybody).

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Wicked Little Town

Harry looked around and sighed. He was in the middle of an airport, well not the middle if you want to be technical. He was in Customs. The line was horribly long and somehow he knew that there just weren't THAT many people on his plane. The plane wasn't that big in the first place and secondly, the flight hadn't been full. And yet, here he was, stuck in the never-ending line from Hell, waiting for his turn to be processed. "Like meat." He mused to himself.

"Actually you mean like sheep."

"I beg your pardon?" Harry asked as he turned to face the man behind him.

"You said that we were like meat. I simply corrected you by saying we were like sheep. 'Like sheep they are appointed for Sheol (the place of the dead); death shall be their shepherd.' Psalm 49:14. We are in a line, like sheep, heading towards our certain doom."

Harry blinked twice. "And that image doesn't disturb you Sir?"

"Well actually it does. But I tend to think of myself as a sheep. It's a comforting picture until you're waiting in lines like this. Then I pray to the good Lord above to deliver me and not make me a sheep like the ones in the Psalm. I would rather be the one who is lost and God finds me. May I inquire as to where you're traveling young man?"

Harry blinked again; the change in the conversation so abrupt that he almost missed it. "I'm here on business. My first time in the States. I'm heading to Santa Barbara to meet a client before heading back home."

"Well then I wish you well. And it's your turn."

Harry nodded, then turned and handed the clerk his passport and visa to be inspected. "No, no fruits or vegetables. I'll be here for two weeks at least." As he grabbed his papers back, he whispered to the agent, And Ma'am…the guy behind me, I think he's a tad bit insane, so you might want to watch him."

He wandered through the Los Angeles International Airport for a half hour before he finally found the baggage claim for his flight. He cursed his luck as he found his bags at the top of the concourse, just out of his reach, unless he felt like climbing onto the moving turntable and smashing the luggage of his fellow passengers. After fifteen minutes of torture and frustrated waiting, he was finally able to grab his belongings and head out the door.

He was met with rain and a cab driver who took his bags and put them in the trunk before Harry knew what was happening. Out of the corner of his eye, Harry saw the man, who was wearing clericals, start approaching him, so Harry quickly jumped into the cab and asked to be taken to Union Station.

"Ah, that's the best way to avoid the rain. And it almost never rains this time of year. Very odd. But oh well. The city can't always be on her best behavior now can she?" The driver joked as he began weaving through the traffic leaving the airport, only to be stalled by the traffic of those just getting off of work.

"About how long does it take to get to the station?"

"Well…if you're not stuck in traffic, probably about 20-30 minutes on a good day. Bad day, probably 30 minutes to an hour."

"I probably should've just taken a connecting flight." Harry groaned.

The driver laughed. "That you should have. But don't worry. I'll get you there in 30 minutes top. The traffic will thin out in a little bit. Probably some jerk turned his cautions on in the middle of the freeway is all. See we're already moving."

Against all laws of physics, Harry was at the train station in 30 minutes, purchasing a ticket and trying to find his way through the maze that was LA Union Station. Some luck must have been on Harry's side (for once that day) for he was able to board the train on time without losing any of his luggage. 'Now,' he thought to himself, 'to find a seat.'

The train had been in motion for ten minutes, had stopped at Glendale and Burbank, and started again before he finally found a seat. He leaned back in his seat, trying hard to fight the jet-lag. "I've been through Hell and back."

"What does Hell look like?" A familiar voice asked from behind his seat.

"It looks like a cross-ocean flight, LAX, and Union Station. And let me tell you something it was insane. It was bloody horrid."

Severus Snape moved from his chair to the empty one next to Harry Potter. "Insane?" He laughed hollowly. "You don't know insane, Mr. Potter. You couldn't. Insane is the Dark Lord."

"No Voldemort is merely suffering from delusions of grandeur. Insanity is a priest who willingly pictures himself as a sheep being led to the slaughter and deigns to tell complete strangers about these lovely images in his head that he gets from the Bible."

"We could argue the semantics, Potter, but we have work to do. Now, once we reach Santa Barbara, you will stay out of my way. You will do your part to find the Crux de la Vida, the so-called "Cross of Life" that Voldemort is after and I'll try to find it my own way."

"So if we have both come here for the same reason-"

"Which we have."

"Which we have, then why don't we do it together?"

"Because Mr. Potter, I suffered your idiocy during school and now that it's over, I don't fancy losing what shred of sanity I have left by working with you."

"But it would be quicker to work together and then you can get back to your sanity and sereneness."

"Have it your way Mr. Potter."

"If this is Hell, then it's underrated." Harry sighed as he looked at the beauty that was the American Riviera. "Honestly, I hope Hell is like this…I wouldn't mind going then."

"What do you mean, Potter? What makes you think that you're going to Hell?"

"I have to kill. Killing means I go to Hell. At least that's what I was told the few times Aunt Petunia actually took me to church." Harry replied, shrugging his shoulders.

Snape sighed and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. 'Damn this brat. I'm not actually caring about his wellbeing. I hate Potter. That's right…he's Potter and you HATE him. You hate James. I mean Harry. Damn Potter.' Snape thought to himself.

They had been in Santa Barbara for two weeks and had not found the Crux de la Vida. They had searched the renowned Mission de Santa Barbara, "the Queen of the California Missions", the Museum, Courthouse, Airport, everywhere. Together and separately they scoured the city in search of the weapon that Voldemort was looking for and had yet to find it. The next stop on their list was a private Christian college in the foothills of the Santa Ynez Mountains, Westmont College, which seemed as likely as the other places to hold the famed Cross of Life.

Snape followed Harry to the front desk of the Fess Parker DoubleTree Resort, where they were staying, and waited until the clerk called a taxi for them. "You won't go to Hell for killing Voldemort, Potter."

"Why do you say that?" Harry asked as he got into the cab and Snape followed. "Westmont College please. Admissions building."

"Despite the lack of judgment that permeates our society, I do believe that the powers that be, whatever they are, will understand your stance of ridding the world of the scourge that is Voldemort."

Harry laughed. "What's so funny, Potter?" Snape scowled.

"That'll be fifteen dollars please." The driver said before Harry could answer.

Harry paid and they both stepped out of the taxi into a sea of students and sunshine. Not one student gave the two men a second glance, except one. She stepped out of the crowd and headed towards the two men. "May I help you?"

"Perhaps. We're looking for someone who might know where we might find a certain artifact that is believed to be kept on your campus." Snape replied.

"Well, I doubt we have any artifacts on this campus, but you go into this building here and they might be able to help you. Or you could head to the library, go down the stairs, and head to the archive room. That's where everything of value is kept."

"Thank you for your help." Snape nodded.

"No prob. Good luck!" She giggled, casting a glance at Harry before starting to walk away. Her group of friends met her on a sidewalk, they whispered, before she headed back to the two men.

"My name is Alexis Baird. My friends and I would like to invite you two out to eat after you finish your search." She kept staring at Harry. "And then perhaps we could get to know each other better."

Snape groaned, then grinned as Harry gulped audibly. "Well we really can't. We're here on business. Sorry. But thank you for the offer."

"No prob. Doesn't hurt to ask. Good luck and God Bless!" She yelled as she ran off to join her friends again.

"The reason I was laughing in the car is because you keep using these huge words like 'scourge' and 'permeates.' Who uses those in actual conversations?"

"I do. And if you don't want me laughing about the ditz who was trying to ask you out on a date, then I highly suggest you refrain from speaking." Snape snarled.

They entered the building and headed to the admissions office. "I'm sorry gentlemen, but there is no item called "La Crux de la Vida" anywhere on this campus. I wish I could offer you more help, but I haven't even heard of this object, and I highly doubt that it is hidden on this campus."

"Thank you, Dr. Mullen, for your help." Harry said, rising from his chair. He and Snape shook Dr. Mullen's hand then left.

"Umm…how are we supposed to get off campus? We don't have a car and we didn't call a taxi."

Snape sighed. Did he have to think of everything? Apparently so, it was Potter after all. "Potter, use your brain, which, despite your lamentable performance in Potion's, I know you have. This is a college campus, there are students with cars. And I am sure they have a bus that heads into town. Which would you prefer?"

"Couldn't we just Apparate?"

"You idiot boy!" Snape hissed. "This is a place full of Muggles. Even if we could find a deserted place, we would still be Apparating to our hotel lobby, which, if I might point out, is also full of Muggles."

"Oh. Well, I guess we have no choice but to get a ride into town."

They started walking up the hill to try and find a student heading into town, when they ran into Alexis and her friends. Snape sneered, as Harry gulped and made his way towards them. "Excuse me, Alexis, right?"

"Yeah."

"I was wondering if you could give my associate and me a ride to our hotel."

"Sure, no prob." She smiled. "Follow me."

They walked up the hill with her and got into the car. "Where you staying at?"

Snape winced at the butchered English, but answered her. "The Fess Parker Double Tree Resort. Do you know where that is?"

"Duh! Everybody up here knows where the DoubleTree is. We hold our Formal there every year. That's such a beautiful place to stay and it's like the most beautiful place I've ever seen at night. I'm going to hold my wedding there." Alexis babbled on until they reached the hotel.

"Well there you are. I hope you guys find what you're looking for. And if you ever want to take a break, here's my number." She said, handing Harry a piece of paper with a wink.

"Thanks. It was nice meeting you."

She drove off and Harry heaved a sigh of relief and turned to find Snape laughing silently, his shoulders shaking with mirth. "Oh shut up! Let's go in, tell Dumbledore we couldn't find it and head back home."

Two days later found Harry again standing in line boarding the plane for New York, where he would then connect to a flight to London. No sooner had he sat down in his seat than he heard a familiar voice coming from behind him. "Well Potter, it looks like we will be traveling together. I trust you not to annoy me."

"Don't worry Sir. I won't be a bother."

"The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters. He refreshes and restores my life; He leads me in the path of righteousness for His name's sake." Harry groaned as the voice reciting the 23rd Psalm sat down next to him.

"Oh, hello again! I see you've concluded your business. I, myself, am about to start on my business trip."

"Where are you going?"

"I am heading to London. There I will meet up with an associate and we will head to China to try and convert the heathens of Communism there."

Harry nodded, before turning to the window and noticing he was in an exit row. 'Perfect.' He thought. He waited for the safety lecture and then raised his hand when asked if he could not perform the duties of one sitting in an exit row. The flight attendant nodded and moved him, next to Snape.

"This is going to be a long flight." They both groaned as a voice in front of them continued to intone Psalm 23.

The End


End file.
